The Irrational Dots

So the Earth has completed one full rotation around the sun again,

2005-08-03T15:15:00.000+10:00

Thanks to all who remembered my birthday,

I was very surprised and overwhelmed, which is rarely the case.
Especially those I didn't expect to remember..

You all know who you are..

Particularly disturbed

2005-08-01T11:37:00.000+10:00

It's been demonstrated that well within two minutes of watching television, most people enter a hypnotic alpha state bordering on theta. Viewers in this state are no longer able to critically evaluate, discern, or pass judgement from their own moral database on the material being viewed. The information just flows, unimpeded, into their subconscious year in and year out.

Think about it. Is this you?

Value theory states that how people positively and negatively value things and concepts, the reasons they use in making their evaluations, and the scope of a legitimate evaluation across the social world.

Can somebody say mass media mind control?

If you can't even see something without changing your mind about what kind of tampons you now prefer, then do this: stay in your room under your bed. You'll be doing yourself a favour. Learn to formulate your own opinions and ideas by yourself. Not entirely based on just one thing.

Do you ever listen?

2005-07-31T11:22:00.000+10:00

Do people ever listen to the ridiculous shit they say?

Once in a while is excusable but every sentence only opens the door for others to make fun of you.

This question never ceases to amaze me. I am walking between classes at university (keyword: university) and am approached with, "Hey what are you doing here?". What? I hope you get cancer.

"You should love me the way I am."

Yes, but I am still allowed to verbally abuse you.

Fundamentally wrong

2005-07-30T19:58:00.000+10:00

I think one of the biggest problems in this society is that people are not humble enough to accept honest criticism and use it constructively but rather take it as a personal attack and use it to fuel their own anger and naiveness. It has been mentioned that perhaps it could be approached in a much "nicer" way but I have always found the impact of these nicer ways tend to end up useless as the importance and impact is lost upon itself.

People should be prepared to hear anything once they ask a question. Don't try to fish out compliments from me. Disappointment awaits those who do.

If you're going to correct me or insult me...

2005-07-29T21:36:00.000+10:00

... do it properly.

___"I helped edit an essay for a student who I believe has great potential but lacks self-confidence in their own natural ability due to reasons only known to itself. "

there's a few grammatical errors in that sentence, I'm suprised that (itself) accepted your help after posting that entry. tsk tsk___

First of all, it's there are. Not there is. Are for plural. Suprised is spelt surprised and the sentences are structured correctly. Use your brain please.

Even if it costs me.

2005-07-28T18:26:00.000+10:00

I helped edit an essay for a student who I believe has great potential but lacks self-confidence in their own natural ability due to reasons only known to itself. So to try and boost their self-confidence and hopefully help teach the individual to see their own mistakes, I edited the essay only in sections I thought needed much attention and to see if they could pick up all their own mistakes and maybe now they can see that they can do a perfectly fine job themself without having to later rely on others which would greatly benefit under exam conditions though I don't think they quite got the point. Nevertheless, I understand the benefits to ask for additional opinions other than your own but ever so more useful if you do your best first then ask so you can see where your flaws are.

I don't want to have to explain the reasons why I do certain things to try to help people all the time. If you don't understand why but benefit from it, that's okay. I have come to accept that people will take it for what they see first hand and not realize the fabrications laid and rather see it in a different point of light. Even if you never see it, if you learn that's all that matters.

Surprise?

2005-07-27T19:10:00.000+10:00

I always find myself in unnerving circumstances especially when it boils down to talking at inappropriate times about inappropriate things. For example today I was telling a friend of mine on how ridiculous the subject Biochemistry 2 was initially. So much information to process at the one time was mind boggling. As soon as I had mentioned "Biochemistry is fucking spastic." the lecturer who taught it was standing right beside me and replied "I hope you weren't talking about Biochemistry.." then thought I said disgusting instead of spastic. Then I had to follow on explaining myself..

I'm dead.

DEAD!

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

2005-07-26T12:12:00.000+10:00

Ask Google.

Google knows all.

Oh and if you were wondering what $150,000 tuition & 4 years of a college education can achieve look no further.

And on an interesting yet disturbing look in the past take a look here..
What it's made out of stone? That's..

Ten ways to help me fail Organic Chemistry 2 by Robyn Crumbie

2005-07-25T15:53:00.000+10:00

1. Miss lectures. All kinds of useful explanations are given in lectures, so not being there will help me NOT to understand a lot. I’ll also miss the answers to questions asked by other students about things I didn’t even know I didn’t understand.

2. Miss practical classes, or at least waste so much time that I don’t finish. Completion of all pracs if a compulsory unit requirement – so if I do not do so I automatically.

3. Don’t prepare for a prac. Class. Not knowing what I am doing really helps me to stuff the experiment. Not doing a flow diagram – or copying someone else’s – is a sure fire way to do this.
4. Leave all assignments to the last minute. That way I don’t do a good job and I don’t learn anything either.

5. Work in assignments with other people. That way I only do a fraction of the work myself, so I can only learn a fraction of the material.

6. Hand in everything late. The penalty for lateness is -10% per day. Better still, don’t hand in assignments or prac. reports at all. Since completing each assessment task is again a compulsory unit requirement, not handing something in makes it so easy to fail.

7. Ask questions only of people repeating the unit. The fact that they are repeating means that they know little, so it is highly unlikely that they will know the correct answer.

8. Don’t ask Robyn or any of the demonstrators any questions because they might know the answers and might actually help me to learn.

9. Don’t go over lecture notes after the lecture. That way I won’t realise I don’t understand so I will be totally lost in the next lecture.

10. Leave studying to the last minute. In this unit, the latter topics rely on understanding the earlier ones. If I do not work consistently from the beginning of semester, I won’t able to cram successfully at the last minute, and so will certainly fail the final exam.

So I am enthusiastically welcomed by this encouragement stuffed turkey of a message on the first day of my spring session semester. This topic eventually was going to be written but the organic chemistry lecturer beat me to it.

And you thought lecturers had no sense of humour..

Welcome to life in university.

Back from hiatus..

2005-05-31T11:11:00.000+10:00

Just writing to say I'm back to write..

Was just tired.. and stuff.. procrastinating on this too.

Crash

2005-05-14T23:00:00.000+10:00

Over 36 hours, the lives of a diverse group of people in contemporary Los Angeles interconnect and collide in this multi-layered, tense and emotionally charged story with a theme of racial relations and prejudice.

This is, the synopsis for the film "Crash". It is brilliantly written to my opinion. If you enjoy a film with substance you HAVE to watch this.

Which brings me to this point,

What is wrong with people who can't watch other genres other than seeing shit blow up? I suggest to watch a movie, say, A Beautiful Mind and I get comments like "I can't watch that. It's not a man's movie. You're gay." What? So watching different types of films determines your sexual preference? Obviously some people feel insecure about their sexuality.

Fucking morons. Go stick your head in the oven.

Friday the 13th

2005-05-13T21:40:00.000+10:00

Biochemistry is a subject spawned by the devil. My brain was bleeding after I left the laboratory today. My results were fucking spastic. Why? How am I supposed to interpret them? "In conclusion because my absorbances for different concentrations were the same when they weren't I suppose that well... FUCK!" Then in Inorganic Chemistry I dissolved half my product because my manual told me to wash my product with ethanol. I put 4-5 drops and half of it is gone. Supervisor comes to me and says "What are you doing? Don't do that!" Great.

Then there's the guy who drove his car into the university's pond. What? He drove his? How the? How did he manage to do that? Maybe he was high? Maybe he was trying to drift? Or maybe he was just looking for a car parking spot?

I don't know.

But what I do have to say is that I find it hilarious that people who still believe in superstition and such alike especially people's reactions to such. Feeling insecure about something happening then it eventually happens is nothing more than just coinidence. Which paves way for people who know how to manipulate people like you making millions of money then you sue them for fraud. Well fucking duh.

Do you even know why Friday the 13th is "unlucky" anyway?
Try looking here

Superstition: A cocktail of coincidence and insecurity with a bit of crack on the side

Now officially accepted in all english speaking countries

2005-05-12T22:54:00.000+10:00

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=fugly
fug·ly

adj. fug·li·er, fug·li·est
Vulgar Slang. Very ugly.

[Shortening of fucking ugly.]

Pieces

2005-05-11T17:03:00.000+10:00

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I'd thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
that nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

Can you say "fake"?

2005-05-10T16:32:00.000+10:00

What is with people who pretend to be happy all the time?

One of the reasons why I left the salesman door-knocking job for AAPT was because I always had to be enthusiastic and smiling. Sounds easy? Think again. You meet dozens of morons along the day not to mention inept co-workers with the IQ of a doughnut. How can you feel enthusiastic all the time?

If you're not feeling happy, don't be pretending about it then later be a bitch about it. Just be real. Express emotion as you feel it. That way I don't have to deal with your years of guilt and hidden depression later. Kill two birds with one stone.

I hate you.

Where's the fun in that?

2005-05-09T16:23:00.000+10:00

Person> Hey Nam? Do I look fat in this shirt?
Me> No, your fat makes you look fat.

I know what you are looking for, fishing out compliments but not today.

Not today.

And on the topic of brutal honesty, I found this quote..

Lauren: Maybe if my hair was longer I'd look better in hats.
Lisa: Maybe if you got plastic surgery you'd look better in hats, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Funny!

Pseudo Innocence

2005-05-08T23:12:00.000+10:00

It's become apparent to me that there is a particular type of person attending church for the wrong reasons.

Let me make this clear to you.

No amount of church attending you are willing to commit to will hide the fact that you are a dirty slut. In general sense, your cherry isn't going to grow back. Your poor attempt to justify your alley-cat tramp behaviour with your 2 hours spent at church isn't going to fool anyone but yourself.

Innocent? You? Right. And Paris Hilton is a virgin.

Dazed and Confused

2005-05-07T19:35:00.000+10:00

It's Saturday morning and I am blessed to have bedroom with no sound insulation from the outside resting next to the garage. Wake up call 5 o'clock. Dazed and confused I wander through the piles of assignments, past papers and textbooks and kick my big toe one of the chairs.

Big Toe: One of the digits of a vertebrate OR furniture detector

Fuck.

Today I was supposed to be introduced to my potential student's mother and discuss lesons and what not and what happens is there is a no show at my house from 9 o'clock. Three hours pass and still no one? Time to play games.

Meanwhile, back at another house on my street the guy is knocking on someone elses door for 10 minutes.

I only find this out later when I log back onto MSN. Talk about miscommunication. He missed a digit when looking for my address. First he asked me where I was in the morning, telling me how he knocked on the door and pressed the doorbell and no one answered the door. I think, "Shit, I must have completely ignored him thinking he was a salesman."

Me> "## _____ Street right?"
Him> "Err not # _____ Street?"

Ew.

I FEEL FUCKING ANGRY

2005-05-06T00:05:00.000+10:00

Why do I seem so hostile these days?

I try my best to keep my cool amongst my friends. They do not deserve it. It usually doesn't surface unless something bothers me or I am in a unbalanced mood. Seriously wow. I find myself talking to myself about what bothers me.

Trapped beneath the confusion,
Cornered by association,
Everyone I love,
Everyone I care about,
Everytime I meet someone new,
They are all going to feel it one way or the other.

And people ask me,
Why am I so cold inside?
What am I afraid of?
Why am I so hostile?
What's wrong?
Each and every day I grow increasingly bitter, lose my cool.

So now what? Easy. When it came to forging relationships I never had my guard up. Never had trust issues. No. Not until I hit university and started meeting a charade of girls who had these qualities:

Incoherent self-projections
Selfishness beyond comprehension
Constant lies and deception
Conspiracy plotting
Slut-like behind the scenes behaviour

So what happened to me in the process?

I question everything people say.
I have trust issues.
I feel misogynistic spontaneously.
I laugh at people's problems when I find disagree.
I endorse my lesser talents like brutal honesty.
I mock anyone for any reason possible.

And that's me on a good day.

Thank you for all who have brought me to this position. I hope all your children are born retarded and burn you alive while you sleep. Bitches.

Son of the year?

2005-05-05T23:48:00.000+10:00

How far is too far?

Can't you people understand?
Admittingly, I think I may have withered many hours on the internet. More than I should. There should be limits. This is insanely addictive. The whole world at a touch of the finger.

But how far is too far?

A friend of mine a few years back felt so cut, so angry, so flustered that he stopped talking to me because he promoted me to Operator in some obscure mIRC channel then I demoted him from Operator status jokingly. Seriously, some people lose all sense of priority and actually think that the ability to "ban" people from a channel in an internet relay chatting program actually has some real significance amongst peers they don't even know and could care less about. Obviously important to someone. Laughable.

I've had people declare to me about their infinite hatred for their parents because they took away their beloved modem. It's as if one of their life support was taken away. If you lose internet and you don't know what else with your spare time, then that's a sad thing. Really. Then again, some people live inside the internet and have no outside contact of the world and have completely lost touch of reality so it's hard to judge.

Probably not.

But this kid, he took it just that one step further.

http://www.pottsmerc.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=14387819&BRD=1674&PAG=461&dept_id=18041&rfi=6

This boy has issues.

And the award for best overused lie is...

2005-05-04T22:52:00.000+10:00

"All I ever wanted is a nice guy who would treat me right and..."

I just want to clarify that there are the number of girls who honestly do want to find that decent guy out there yet the ratio of these girls to girls who just want a guy to buy her shit and drive her around is obscuringly small. Though for now, let's just forget they exist. Now having said that, let's continue on.

Girls do not want nice guys.

What also seems to be the latest trend is the "I'm going to find me a nice guy at Club [insert variable]" I don't know about you, but the last time I checked the common reason for a guy to go to a club is to get one thing and one thing only. Sex. Quick sex, quick dump, new girl. If that's your idea of a nice guy, well then sure. The club is definitely the place to go.

So more than often the part usually left out is the desire to be treated as a slut. And by that I mean down right dirty abused slut. Don't think you're fooling me with your "Oh I'm a virgin..." story. Please don't insult my intelligence. I can see the semen seeping from your ears and nose. Girls afraid of appearing "slutty" will do whatever it takes to prove to you that they are indeed a virgin even though there is clear evidence of the latest STDs on her lips. If that's what you're into, well, that's what you're into. It's not a problem to me but don't come to me complaining when you wake up with a rash.

What burns me the most is that I see girls, especially my own friends, being abused, insulted, taken advantage of and emotionally damaged every day and yet, they just don't get it. What in the FUCK is wrong with them? What is it that they see? More than often the girl thinks she can change the guy but that idea somehow turns to shit when you're being used... for sex. Then they have the audacity to come to me complaining about how much they hate the guy for using them, then turn around and what's this? Continue on being used for sex.

How fucking stupid can you be?

Biased opinions? Who would have thought?

2005-05-03T23:31:00.000+10:00

Goodbye democracy! Hello hypocrisy?

Today Tonight aired Tuesday night a segment on parent rage at school or on the sporting field. Teachers and principals, physically and verbally abused on the school grounds by unruly parents. It is totally understandable children and teachers are beyond amused and of course embarassed by clueless parents who think it's World War 3 when their kid is taken off the field because it's another kid's turn. Naturally, every parent would want the best for their kids. Naturally. The lesson to be learnt here is to know where the borderline is. Just because your kid isn't the star player of each match doesn't mean the teacher is a Nazi. See now these parents, they ought to be disciplined. Physically. However this is not what caught my attention.

Imagine this,
Your kid comes home with a twisted broken arm. Screaming in sheer pain. The kid ends up telling you that, another kid pushed him off the playground which broke the kid's arm, then twisted it further to induce more pain. Broken arms? Twisted? And where was the teacher at this time? What the fuck? Screaming pain.. Wow retards. GO DIE!

And another kid, being denied SICK ROOM when the kid was sick. Fucking outrageous.

I think it would be safe to say, that if you were that parent? You would have every right to come unannounced to the school, swing a baseball bat at the supervising teacher and then leave without saying a word. But to think, the teacher was actually defending herself. What?

The main star of this segment however was the principal. It is no coincidence that a principal needs to declare 6 restraining orders. Obviously, there must be something going on there. You would think so yes?

Want to have an input?
http://seven.com.au/todaytonight/contact_feedback

By the way, speaking of hypocrisy, take a look at this.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2005/04/21/BAGGGCCIHG1.DTL&o=0

The Procrastination of our Generation

2005-05-02T23:10:00.000+10:00

So what is procrastination?

Hesistantly looking over to my Macquarie Dictionary, I quickly run a search on dictionary.com for an adequate description.

procrastinate:

To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness
To postpone or delay needlessly

So it's not quite like delaying something based upon exemplary parameters, say both your arms are broken and your house burnt down but rather quite the opposite. It seems preferable to watch the grass grow for a couple of hours.

Some people I know follow procrastination religiously. Some just use it once in a while just to take a time off. For me? It's a disease buried so deep in my core, it's become my lifestyle. It can't be helped.

Example:

There's an assignment. Worth 20% of your core. It's straight forward mickey mouse questions BUT require you paying attention in class and doing some research on the side. Already that becomes a problem. You know for a fact and you've been told countless of times, if you set aside dedicated time just once a week you could be well on your way to an A+. But it's due 1 month from now. Now there's the other problem. 1 month turns to fortnight, fortnight turns to 3 days, then all of a sudden it's due tomorrow and you haven't done shit but write the title of the assignment.

On a piece of paper.
A piece of paper you can't find now.
Fuck.

You sit down and think. What? WHAT? In respect to your New Year's Resolution, you were going to organize your time management skills accordingly and never have to regret handing in a half-assed project. Well that just went to shit didn't it?

It's 7am on the day before it's due. You calculate it's due 26 hours from now. Plenty of time. So you go out, wander the streets, play some games, go to work, sit down and catch up with an old friend, watch some TV, sleep, instant message, have sex with an inanimate object and pick up the phone and fart in the microphone at all the people with names from G-L. Before you know it, it's 4am and still you have nothing to show. So what now? You re-evaluate your predicament and sit down and finish it with 2 minutes to spare.

That's me. Back in high school that was still plausible. Now that I am in university. Not so plausible. I've slightly changed my wiley ways and now manage to slip my assignments just in time. My mediocre approach to university doesn't reap any great benefits however, it does allow me to well.. actually, no. No benefits. We have all been there, don't deny it. But there are people who even procrastinate on procrastinating and you end up further delayed from the above situation. And that, my dear friends, is where procrastination can only get worse.

It's 4am. It's due 9am. That gives you roughly 5 hours to do it. You say to yourself, you can do it in 2. You take a nap and all goes well. Until you wake up and you realize you are late for univeristy and you still haven't done jack all. Awesome?

Once I handed in one of my projects early but only by coincidence. You see I thought I was looking forward to a 20% deduction but it turns out I read the due date wrong and I handed it a whole week earlier than I should have. Go figure. Confusion has its positives. Sometimes.

Is there a cure? Of course. The problem though, in order to be cured, it would require a person to not be procrastinating. So that brings us back at square one. Perhaps corporal punishment or public hangings would help?

But who knows? There are the fair few who do get their work done. Then again, those fair few aren't the ones who are reading this at 4am in the morning thinking how they should approach their assignment let alone writing a column about procrastination.

Irregular pains, Bruce Lee and arabian food gone asian

2005-05-01T22:37:00.000+10:00

I wake up to a bewildering scream only to look around with no one in sight then suddenly realizing it was me. Uncalled for I take a deep breathe when all of a sudden a sharp striking pain shoots through the left side of my chest through to the right as if lightning had struck. I start grabbing my chest while I pound my head against the wall hoping the pain would cease but no, it refused to leave and continued to tickle me from the inside.

Hello and welcome to my Sunday morning.

Remarkable as it seems, the doctor has no idea what it is I have. He's on the edge of sending me to the psychiatric ward because he can't find anything wrong yet I keep insisting there's something inside of me that doesn't like me.

Speaking of which, I don't know if it's just me but every time I think about something that makes me depressed I feel an intense pain in my left outer thigh region. The more depressing the thought, the more intense the pain becomes. I can't explain how this occurs though, whether it be hormonal, pre-blood clotting or the possibility of pre-cancer induction it all seems to lead to horrendous. If you see me suddenly punching myself in the left thigh, I am just trying to get rid of the pain which oddly enough works for me.

Anyhow after the church service today, the middle aged women [in Vietnamese] decided it would be fun to all take turns in which person I look like. First it was all within reasonable parameters.

"You look like your father. So very innocent."
"No actually more like your mother."
"Hang on doesn't he look like a mixture of both?"
"Nah he looks more Chinese though. Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

Then it slowly starts becoming ridiculous..

"Hey he does sort of look like his grandma though. The Chinese part and all."
"Or perhaps Japanese?"
"Or dark Korean. Remember when he dyed his hair blonde?"

Mind you I am just sitting down minding my own business waiting for my mother to finish writing some mail so I can go home. Fast forward 10 minutes of talking about their own hairstyles, my mum decides to join in and you start hearing more and more ridiculous comments like,

"You remind me of that martial arts star."
"Who Jet Li?"
"Yeah him. Wait not him who's that guy?"
"I think he looks like that guy from My Sassy Girl."
"Oh have you seen that as well?"

That film has been dubbed in Vietnamese. It's a spinout watching their mouths shut while some random vietnamese dribble comes out. Outrageous.

"Oh hey he looks like Bruce Lee."

Dude what? WHAT? Bruce Lee? I don't even have those sideburns anymore. What? Bruce Lee? I can't help it but just smile and just nod and laugh. But damn you don't hear me saying, "Oh hey maam, sorry to say this but you have a face that reminds me of a ghost." Which of course is make-up related, but that's another story.

I gently smile, politely ask my mother to stop embarassing me and to finish up so we can all go home.

We pick up random food to eat and at home we end up eating some absurd mixture of lebanese bread with what I think is tabouli but with soy sauce, cucumbers and some green herbs. As I sat down on the front porch wondering what possessed my mother to make such a concoction, I notice in the corner of my eye a kid punching himself in the left of his thigh while screaming out in agony holding his chest with the other hand.

What a fucking retard.

Apparently my forehead is stamped with "Deceive me please"

2005-04-30T22:31:00.000+10:00

Trying to get through the day..

Compromising,

All I feel is a burning desire to hate.
Can't put up a fight.. FUCK!

She has the nerve, THE FUCKING NERVE to call me after the celebrations had ended. But the question is, how much longer can I put up with her conspiring lies and unrivalled manipulative behaviour that she denies exists to her core before I punch her square in the vagina? Every time she does something outrageous I ignore her. I don't want to be a friend with a twisted selfish twat but it turns out wherever I turn, she's there. When I want to be with her, she deserts me in the middle of the vacuum of space. When I turn my back on her, she's everywhere.

Why? Why is the universe fucking with me..

So I call her to remind her there is an event that she is invited to. Doesn't pick up the phone as usual. Okay maybe she's busy. I call her a second time at night. Still no pick up. I SMS her telling her to call be back to notify me if she can make it or not. No reply. I call again the next day just before it starts, still no answer. Fair enough. Not even the dignity or politness to return a SMS which takes less than a minute to do. So what does that mean from an outside perspective? She doesn't want to talk to me and she has better things to do. I can accept that. That's one less person I have to deal with. I call her again to organize a group outing to watch movies.

Again with the no response.

The day comes to my friend's birthday and I say to myself, "Fuck it. She won't pick up the phone as usual anyway." I confirm with a friend and confirmed indeed. She's not going to pick up the phone she's probably clubbing off somewhere. The party ends and she decides to call. I look at my phone, her name is blinking.. FUCK WHY NOW? I pick up and there it is. In that manipulative innocent tone she so naturally pulls off she starts to ask me what are we going to do [notice the "we"] for our mutual friend's birthday. What?! Then, THEN she says she didn't recieve the email my friend sent out for the birthday. Err? If you didn't recieve it, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS AN EMAIL SENT? "Oh I thought she was doing it tommorow, I just got back from work." [just to make sure I wasn't imagining shit, I checked the forward sent and OH YE BEHOLD, the emails were sent to her] So okay you had work. That makes sense. We all have our immediate responsibilities and priorities. But fuck, do you need to make up stories? MORE LIES HURRAY! Then I start getting cut. My friend already had a couple of people miss it already let alone need people making up bullshit. Then as the phone conversation continues, she starts apologizing for missing it. To me. Why me? I am not the birthday person. I'm not the one who hosted it. I am not the one TRYING TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY WITH COLLEGUES. But there she is, apologizing to me.

"Why are you apologizing to me? If anyone you should be apologizing to her."
"I don't want to call her. She's going to be all angry and stuff."

Why would she be? You had work didn't you? But wait, WHAT ABOUT THE LIES YOU WERE TELLING ME? Then I am reminded about when she used to work for me at QED Marketing and I was always having to apologize to my leader and the owner of the company for her slackness and uncalled behaviour. Receiving negative feedback and defending her was awesome. Always retreating to me when it seemed things just weren't going her way hoping I would fix her problem.

What am I your garbage bin?

That's when I start wishing she was there in front of me so she could see me boil. Each time something like this happens, I start breaking down and my tolerance for bullshit just reaches that much lower. "Hey Nam are you angry?" in a tone almost if she was feeling sorry. Like she was capable of human emotion. Her tone of voice, similar to that of a child who had just broken the good china and the parents just walked in on her. Bullshit. I don't even fucking care any more if she is being genuine. So many times have I been at this situation with her where she makes me feel sorry for her I and I go out of my way to make everything just right again. Wait what do you call that?

manipulate: To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously for personal gain.

"I'll see you on Monday." [cancel call]

Next time she tries to pull this shit again on me, I don't know what I will do. If you know me well enough I deal with anger in an implosive manner. The pressure builds until the seals break. Then who knows what will happen. I just hope, I just hope for her sake. It doesn't have to be that way.